To Eric Certain
How could it have gotten to this? To this crazy place in life where nothing seems to be going how it was supposed to go. I never imagined that my life would turn out like this. I have always tried to do my best, in every single thing I ever did, no matter how minute or insignificant it may seem to others. And throughout my life I was recognized for those things. Accolades and awards and proverbial “pat on the backs” were quite common as I formed myself into the person that I wanted to be.
But somewhere along the way… well… that trained jumped the damn tracks. And now my life seems completely out of control and nothing close to resembling what my visions were years ago. And I don’t get where I went wrong.
I think back and try to find sometime in the past where things went awry. But after quite some time of thinking about it, I realize that it really doesn’t matter. What’s done, as they say, is done. I tell myself to stop focusing on the past and look at the now and that works for a little while. But, eventually I look up from the bottom of this pit of self loathing and start the process over again of trying to find a reason that I am down here digging in this muddy hole.
One thing I have noticed lately is that I talk to myself a lot. I know we all have that inner monologue that goes on but I find myself audibly speaking it out sometimes. And it makes me wonder if I am losing it. I mean, isn’t that one of the signs of insanity or something? I laugh it off and tell myself that as long as I don’t answer my own questions out loud then I will be fine. But, I’m not sure that I am not already doing that. Am I? Oh, no, I’m definitely not answering my own questions. I’m okay.
Lately, I have had a lot of conversations in the mirror. While I want the talks to be something positive to try and lift myself up and get out of this hole, they always end up as negative. I have become an expert at beating myself up. I have said some of the most horrific things possible to my reflection and belittled myself to the point of depression. And I can’t seem to stop it.
I hate the reflection. That’s it. I blame him for the situation I am currently in. If he wasn’t so fat, out of shape, ugly, lazy, worthless, and stupid then I wouldn’t be here now.
I can feel the need for another one of my pep talks coming on and so I go find the mirror in the bathroom and I flip on the light switch and I look at myself standing there. But this time I pause. This time I look at myself and I don’t say anything. I glance over the body of my reflection and then I look around my face before settling my eyes into my own. And I stare for quite some time.
Obviously this isn’t helping. And why the hell am I beating myself up?
I decide to try something different this time.
I look deep into my own eyes and I say, “Im sorry.”
