Who is that face looking back at me from the mirror? The one with gaunt features, and sharp cheek bones. Bags sunk deep under my eyes looking like purple bruises beneath each one. Haunted eyes. Looking lost and troubled, sometimes dazed; sometimes turned inward lost somewhere in her tortured and troubled thoughts.
I opened the mirrored door and looked inside, staring at the bottles residing there. There stood the solution to the tortured thoughts. The solution to the shame. No longer would I feel dirty. No longer would I feel lower than the dirt beneath my feet. All because of a man that I did not know wo had preyed upon me in the dead of night. When it was midnight black, and the silence was thick all around.
No longer could I stand to be in the darkness at night. A light must be shining trough the darkness dispelling the shadows and giving me an illusion of safety. No longer could I stand the touch of a man. No longer a hug or caress. It caused terror to roll through my mind and caused my body to tremble uncontrollably and to shut down.
Oh, I looked on those pills with such longing. I so wanted the pain to end. I so wanted to sleep through the night without being visited by dreams. I desired to no longer have flashbacks of the event that drove the terror through my mind afresh. I wanted peace. I wanted tranquility. I stood and stared at those pills for the longest time and then slowly closed the mirrored door.
Realizing that pills were not the way to go. I did not want such a permanent solution to my problem. I wanted help. I talked to someone at the hospital., but it was only a band aid on the problem. I slowly slept more and started to look better. But I did not really start to get better until many, many years later when I started therapy and I started writing.
I still cannot bear to in the dark at night. I must have light. But I can actually hug a man. Ave a conversation with a man. So, progress has been made. Hopefully in the future I will be able to be able to get rid if the lights through the night. Then hopefully more progress will have been made.