by Sharon Brunner
I have thought about this and thought about this. The immediate gut response was disgust. Like being who I am, when haven’t I challenged myself? I am always challenging myself. I never quit. I am always pushing that boulder up a hill, carrying the torch or taking one for the team. Then it hit me. Yeah, you are always doing something, proving, striving, trying, and for what? Maybe my challenge is stop doing anything, everything. It isn’t cute anymore and even truer, the older I get, the less anyone else actually cares about what I am doing. No, wait, no one ever cared. It was all in my head. I was competing against myself. Always. Always against myself.
So, the challenge is: Do Nothing.
Fulfilling my career goals, going to school, earning degrees, volunteering, joining groups, doing extra, all the housework, cooking, bill paying, care giving, working, going doing going doing. Oh, and please include serving my country as I told I should. And then what? To become invisible anyway. To wind up unemployed and ignored. Ghosted even. The thing is, was it all about fitting in? I could not disappoint others. Disappointing myself was a given. I bought into the whole lie. The whole giant whore of a lie that not only could I have it all, I could be all. I felt like I had to. There was a duty to do it all and be all. All the women who came before me and fought for my right to kill myself trying to push this damned gigantic jagged rock up a mother of a hill. I never considered myself a people pleaser exactly, it just felt like more of a duty. And worse, I never asked for help because that was part to the deal.
You didn’t need help if you were capable. You just did it.
I learned as a child surviving my childhood you didn’t ask for help because you didn’t need help, not really. You could solve this. You could heal, deal, wheel, scheme, plan, work around, hide and find the resources you needed if you tried. If things went to hell, it must be my fault somehow. Everyone was charging hard. They had no time for me and I didn’t have time for me either.
This boulder I am pushing uphill, I am sick of it. I am letting it go. I am letting it all go. I am wrecked feeling and thinking about why. Why me? Why this? Why now? I am tired of my own story. I am bored. And this is hard. How much did the boulder represent? Without that boulder I will have to find another way to work out. And then, my resume speaks for itself. I did it all. And it must have scared people. When I am competitive it freaks people out especially other women. They accuse me of being too much, too big, too loud, too outspoken, too something and at the same time not enough. If I am doing or not doing no one seems satisfied. It occurred to me recently that no one is satisfied, not with me, not with themselves. Don’t put that shit on me. I am not carrying anyone’s shit anymore. That shit is rolling back down the hill with the boulder at alarming speed.
I turned off the tv, the phone, and starting reading again. I love my books. I laugh, I cry, I cry laughing. I enjoy the voices. The author’s voices, not the ones in my head. I am contending with those bastards every day and having a lot of fun challenging them. Why did you say that? Where did that come from? How is that true?
But it is more insidious than all that be competitive stuff. It has to do with deep messaging. Deep programming from this machine. Society. I am privileged even when it made no sense and facts did not support this conclusion. It didn’t matter. I was. And so therefore, thall shalt be more to everyone than anyone ever had a right to ask me to be. It was my lot, my destiny, my duty. And that word has got to go. I have no duty to anyone. I already did all that duty stuff. Who has a duty to me? When was that decided? Where are they? And listen, I never asked anyone to feel a duty to me. I had no right. After all, I didn’t need help and I didn’t feel deserving. I was already privileged and entitled and on my own. That was a fact.
So, I am doing nothing. The challenge is real. The struggle is real. I am not applying for job openings anymore so I don’t have to fret opening my email to either nothing or rejections. I am not going to school anymore because a 5-page CV and 4-page resume is enough, thank you. I am not chasing friends, or groups, or doing anything beyond basic needs type stuff. Basic needs like cleanliness to my own satisfaction, making food and getting food, being a wife and mother, both of which take time and effort and include sleepless nights and hospitals. I am locked into that business and I am OK with that so far. I quit religion about 14 years ago. That was awesome. What a stress reliever that was! I am working on letting go of the volunteering now. I am down to one gig. I love the women I serve there so I may hang onto that because I like it. Otherwise, no dice. Don’t ask and you won’t have to hear “no”. I am unsubscribed, unamused, and unattached. This is all new but it feels like home. Wish me luck.
Red Badge Project’s Mission Statement
To support Wounded Warriors in the journey to reconstruct their individual sense of purpose, understanding of self-worth, and place in community, as they discover and give voice to their unique stories. Outcomes include:
Improved self-acceptance and personal efficacy
Participants discover greater self-acceptance and efficacy as they find their voice, and produce stories inspired by their life experiences.
Improved communication and writing skills
Participants understand the creative process and utilize a variety of tools to express themselves within and beyond the classroom.
Improved sense of community
Participants feel safe within and beyond the classroom through outreach to participants’ families, peers and the larger community.
